She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I think a kid would responsible me up
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
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