She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Randomize
