im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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