That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
