Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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