Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
