Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
