Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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