dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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