he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
