i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I'm at about main and main street
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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