i'm signing you up for texting rehab
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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