I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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