got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
