Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
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you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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