I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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