I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
