i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
