I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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