the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
