I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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