you turned your livingroom into a bong?
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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