I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
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his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
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If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
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