saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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