it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
