Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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