you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
