if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Randomize
