My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
