so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
