Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
