how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
