I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
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