Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
