I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
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