Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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