hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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