You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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