is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Randomize
