FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Randomize
