I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
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Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
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He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
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