if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
