worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
