3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
