I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
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i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
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Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
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