My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Randomize
