What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
