i always forget guys have bellybuttons
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
