I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Randomize