Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
