sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
