The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
a search helicopter?!
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
