I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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