by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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