Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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