It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
