i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Randomize
