Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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