I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
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