Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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