I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
