Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Randomize
