i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I need to calm my uterus...
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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