if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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