the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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