Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
The power of my boobs compel you
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
