I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
