If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
