he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
